Here are some interviews with legendary Las Vegas lounge singer Richard Cheese about music, martinis, and martinis.


Desert Living Magazine - January 2006
Desert Living Magazine
"Say Cheese"

This guy may be the best lounge singer ever … or at least the best dressed

by Chris Rubin, January 2006

“I would love to gamble more when I'm in Vegas,” says singer Richard Cheese.  “But I'm so busy with the cheap sex and binge drinking that there's just no time for any other vices.  Vegas can be frustrating: there are so many people to do, so little time.”

Cheese and his band, Lounge Against The Machine, released Aperitif For Destruction (Surfdog Records), their fourth CD, at the end of May, 2005.  As with his previous discs, Cheese recorded his own versions of popular rock, metal, and hip-hop songs in his trademark über-lounge style.  Cheese covered Rage Against the Machine on his debut disc, hence the moniker for the band.  On Aperitif, he wraps his smarmy vocals around tunes like “American Idiot” and “Welcome to the Jungle,” among others.

Backed by a swinging rhythm section, Cheese croons his renditions of current hits, all recast in jaunty, finger-snapping tempos.  His utterly deadpan delivery serves to hilariously highlight the often atrocious lyrics in many of the songs.

No dates are set yet, but Cheese will perform soon in Las Vegas, which is a second home for him.  He loves playing the town ­ though he prefers his action off The Strip. Sunset Station is his favorite venue in Sin City.

“It has a great stage and a big floor with cocktail tables,” he explains. “I get out there and really touch the people ­ and when I say ‘people’ I mean ladies."

Richard Cheese & Lounge Against The Machine
Singer Richard Cheese and his hilarious act

"Outside Vegas, people don’t appreciate that it’s a real city, not just a tourist destination,” he continues.  “So we like to play for the folks who live here. We come to Vegas not as a touring band, and not as a nightly headliner, but sort of as a regular.  It’s like being part of the family ­ more of a fun visiting uncle than a third cousin or the annoying mother-in-law who lives in the house with you.”

Will Cheese and his bandmates appear any time soon on the marquee at The Strip’s newest property?  Don’t count on it.

“I don’t trust Steve Wynn,” Cheese says.  “His name is Wynn … so it seems suspicious to me.  How come his name isn’t Steve ‘Lose?’  I bet it was, and he changed it.”


New Times Broward-Palm Beach!

New Times Broward-Palm Beach - Beatcomber

"Some Kind of Muenster"

Lounge has never been cheesier than Richard Cheese cutting up on "Me So Horny."

by Jonathan Zwickel, August 25, 2005

After taking a look at this week's cover story, you've probably surmised that New Times has happily retired to the lounge for a mid-summer reprieve. And while Dik Shuttle is our own fabulous local raconteur, a Dick by another name -- that being Cheese -- has gained notoriety on an international scale. Yes, Richard Cheese and his crack jazz trio Lounge Against the Machine have "swankified" pop tunes over several cult-fave albums, including I'd Like A Virgin, To The 5 Casinos, and Tuxicity. Cheese belts tomorrow's standards today -- Sir Mixalot's "Baby Got Back," the Killers' "Somebody Told Me," and the timeless "Welcome to the Jungle" by GnR -- with a brassy voice and "Stardust"-quality arrangements. When Beatcomber learned that Cheese, the self-described "most successful unsuccessful lounge act," was possibly hanging up his tiger-striped tux for good, he put a call in to the singer's Vegas suite.

Beatcomber:  Your website ( gives props to a slew of lounge-pop influences and contemporaries, but I don't see Dik Shuttle on there.

Richard Cheese: You know, I'd never heard of Dik Shuttle until right now. I've heard of the Space Shuttle, but I don't think the Space Shuttle does too many lounge covers. I'll add Dik now that I know. What we do is not by any means unique, but I think we do it the loudest. I would say our band gets closer to the audience than any other band. Physically, distance wise, I sometimes get within five to six inches of the audience, and that's not just a record but a way of life.

Excellent. So tell me about your beef with Paul Anka.

You've heard that Paul Anka put out a CD called Rock Swings? The original title of the CD was I Am Going to Rip Off Richard Cheese. Paul Anka has made zillions of dollars -- he wrote the Tonight Show theme, and he wrote "My Way," and he wrote that douche jingle. I don't know if you've heard that. The last thing he needs is money, and the last thing I need is Paul Anka to start cutting into the lounge-singer act.

Has he acknowledged you at all?

Actually he has. A few months ago, he was on a radio interview and someone called in and said, "Hey, this sounds like Richard Cheese and Lounge Against the Machine." [Anka] said our band was quote "machine driven" and there were no natural players. Which is of course not true -- we have a full jazz trio, and the next show we're doing in L.A. on August 25 has a full horn section. We're a live band, we play all over the United States, we've played Portugal, London, and Hawaii. I think he's just nervous because he knows I can get an erection without Viagra and that intimidates him. Lounge music and lounge albums -- this is gang warfare, this is the crips and the bloods is what this is.

What do you look for in the songs you cover?

We're looking for that song that has that special... something. We look at the charts and the radio rotations, and we say, "Which song is gonna be around five, 10, 20 years from now? Which song is the five-year-old kid today gonna have playing at her wedding in 2020?" That's the thing: You look at a song like "Me So Horny" -- what a love song that is! It's a beautiful lyric and it's written from the heart. Luke Skyywalker is from Florida, is that correct? I remember when he was just One Live Crew. It was great that they went ahead and paid the extra money and became Two Live Crew, and that's a great song.

We also did "People Equals Shit" by Slipknot. You have to dig deep through a Slipknot song to find the melody, but when you do that's like finding a diamond in the rough. These songs are on our newest CD, Aperitif for Destruction. "You Oughta Know" by Alanis Morrisette is a really swinging number. So many of these songs you walk into a lounge and you hear it and say, "Oh that's the song." You know? We've always wanted to do "Add It Up" by the Violent Femmes. It's a beautiful, boy-meets-girl, boy-loses-girl song.

It just has to do with the lyrics and how drunk we are. We've never found a song we couldn't swankify. That's just a testament to what a wonderful golden age of songwriting we're living in now. We have the Foo Fighters writing great lyrics, we have Blink 182, those guys write some great songs. And we're very fortunate to be living in this age. It's like Cole Porter and Rogers and Hammerstein all over again.

Do you play any instruments?

The only instrument I play is the microphone. I'm good at it, I'm proud of the work I've done to be able to sing into any microphone. I've mastered all the different types. I've been singing for many, many years. We just started putting out CDs in 2000. Before that we put out albums on what was called 7-track, a precursor to 8-track that didn't really catch on. In retrospect I think that was a bad technology.

So retirement is just around the corner?

We're not doing any more live shows because I'd like to spend more time in the studio, and I'd like to spend more time in bed, quite frankly. We're gonna finish up the Let It Brie tour and then hopefully we're gonna get Don and Glen and Timothy to join the band again and do a reunion.


The three guys from the Eagles. And we're gonna try and redo the Hell Freezes Over tour, where we can reunite the band, because you make your money on the reunion tour. We're probably gonna do that sometime next year -- the Dick Freezes Over tour in 2006.
"Richard Cheese:  Star Wars Swings!"
The lounge-singer extraordinaire talks about love, ladies, and the Modal Nodes Bith band.
by Bonnie Burton, May 12, 2006

Shocking as this may sound to some fans, lounge-singer extraordinaire Richard Cheese never watched the Star Wars films as a young lad, but instead when he was an older, wiser adult playing a gig with his band in a cocktail lounge -- much like Max Rebo and his bizarre-looking band mates.

"I never saw the Star Wars movies in theaters; I guess the whole Star Wars thing passed me by the first time around," Cheese confesses.  "I mostly watched films like the Maltese Falcon, Goldfinger, and anything with Frank, Sammy or Dino in it.  Then, a few years ago, I played at a hotel cocktail lounge that had one of the Star Wars movies playing on a big-screen TV, as sort of background eye candy.  It looked like a crazy heist flick, just like Ocean's 11.  This gang of good guys was trying to knock off the biggest casino in the galaxy, the Death Star.  So I had the rest of the movies sent to my room, and I watched them between sets.  I was struck by the 'futuristic' vibe in the movies.  I guess the 'Wars' take place in space or something.  Not normally my scene, but I dug the chick with the hair and the electric swords -- those were swingin'.  Oh, and the floating car was a gas."

Once he saw the films, especially with the Modal Nodes Bith band happily playing for Mos Eisley Cantina patrons, Cheese was hooked.  "When I saw that cantina scene, with the big band playing, it really knocked me over," Cheese continues.  "What a great sound, what a happening bunch of cats, what giant heads!  That's my favorite scene in all the movies; I watch that movie again and again, just to see that band playing.  It's dynamite.  I'd love to see the full performance, not just the two tunes that made it into the movie.  Tell Dr. Lucas to send me the footage, huh?"

Cheese's confession of being new to Star Wars fandom might be easier to grasp when fans learn that the singer has only existed less than a decade.  The lounge-singer is actually the alias for actor/comedian/singer Mark Jonathan Davis, who has been writing, producing, and performing comedy novelty songs for nearly 25 years, including tribute parodies like "The Star Wars Cantina" and "The Phantom Medley."  Working also as a jingle singer, and doing guest stints on such TV shows as "News Radio," "Batman: The Animated Series," and "The Man Show," Davis has created many memorable singing characters over the years, including network mascot Johnny Chimes at NBC Television, and Paul the 55-year-old-intern, Shakespeare Man, and Bob Hope at KROQ-FM/Los Angeles.

But his most recent incarnation of Richard Cheese, a lounge singer who sings popular rock and rap songs in the Las Vegas lounge-act style, is probably the most famous.  As Richard Cheese, Davis recruited a band and recorded lounge covers of '90s alternative rock hits resulting in his first album, Lounge Against the Machine, released in 2000.  Four more records followed: Tuxicity (2002), I'd Like a Virgin (2004), Aperitif for Destruction (2005) and The Sunny Side of the Moon: The Best of Richard Cheese (2006).  Cheese is featured in the Dawn of the Dead movie soundtrack (2004), and has appeared on "Jimmy Kimmel Live," "Opie & Anthony," Howard Stern, CNN, MTV, and on NBC's "Last Call with Carson Daly" as the show's house band.  Cheese has performed hundreds of concerts around the world, including sellout shows in New York, Los Angeles, London, Las Vegas, and sometimes Yavin.

Unlike his Cheese alter-ego, Davis is quick to point out that he's been a fan of Star Wars since he was a kid.  "I saw the first Star Wars movie in Phoenix, Arizona when I was in sixth grade," Davis says.  "It had been in theaters for about two weeks, but there were already kids in my school who had seen it multiple times.  By the end of that year, I had seen it six times.  This was before VCRs and videotapes, so I didn't see it again for years.  I remember a few years later that the first Star Wars movie was broadcast on TV and simulcast over a radio station, and we painstakingly recorded the entire audio soundtrack on to cassettes.  Even though I didn't have a videotape of the movie, I still 'watched' Star Wars by listening dozens and dozens of times, memorizing the dialogue and sound effects over the years.  I really became an aficionado of the SFX for that first film.  I even got to meet Tomlinson Holman and Ben Burtt some years later!"

His love for the saga was so apparent that his childhood classmates gave him an endearing nickname.  "I was the shortest kid in my class in elementary school, so I was nicknamed Little Jawa at one point," Davis smiles.  "I accepted this dubious honor, and dressed as a Jawa for Halloween, complete with small penlight flashlights attached to my glasses frames for eyes."

As an adult, Davis showed his appreciation in other ways.  "I did a number of parody songs about Star Wars, the most popular one being 'The Star Wars Cantina,' a spoof of Barry Manilow's 'Copacabana.'  I released it in 1996, around the time of the Special Edition movies, and it became a big hit on radio stations and among fans.  Then, when Episode I came out, I did a parody medley called 'The Phantom Medley,' which was lots of fun.  This was before the mainstream Internet, so it was folks like Dr. Demento who gave my parodies their earliest airplay and support.  Dr. Demento used to play other Star Wars parodies, like Weird Al's 'Y-O-D-A,' and I think it was great to learn that Star Wars fans and novelty-song fans were part of the same audience.  It gave me confidence to know that I wasn't the only geek out there."

Even when he transforms himself into Richard Cheese, he still likes to show his love for Star Wars. As Cheese, he has his own distinct thoughts about the real theme of the films as only an old-fashioned crooner could describe.  "It's really about the two chicks -- Princess Leia and Queen Amidala," Cheese explains.  "I think those two broads are what everyone was fighting about.  It's not about the galaxy or the Trade Federation or freedom or peace; it's about the babes.  Kill my uncle and aunt, blow up my planet, cut off my hand, whatever you want, just as long as I get the girl with the crazy hairdo at the end.  To quote Rodgers and Hart, 'Believe me sir I much prefer the classic battle of a him and her.'  Star Wars isn't about war; it's about boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy travels around the universe and gets girl back.  And those girls are hot, well worth all the trouble and severed limbs.  And I don't care if you're Luke Skywalker, Ben Kenobi, Darth Vader, or even the wrinkly, old Emperor:  a dame is a dame is a dame!"

In addition to his theories about love, ladies and Star Wars, Cheese has a few changes he'd like to make to the classic musical score.  "I love a symphonic score as much as the next guy, but I wish there was more lounge music in the Star Wars movies," Cheese says.  "Instead of 'Luke's Theme,' how about playing 'The Summer Wind?'  Every time Darth Vader enters a scene, play 'When Joanna Loved Me' or 'Call Me Irresponsible.'  And R2-D2 and C-3PO should be accompanied by the song 'Tangerine' every time.  And of course, Han Solo's theme should undoubtedly be 'Come Fly with Me,' right?  But don't change that cantina band, man!  Those guys groove!"

Speaking of the cantina, Cheese is quick to point out that Wuher, the Mos Eisley bartender might just be one of the most underappreciated characters in the galaxy.  "That Mos Eisley bartender deserves some sympathy," Cheese says.  "He had no wait staff, no bouncers, no help whatsoever.  I've played in dives like that, and it's no picnic for the employees.  So, please, remember to tip generously, no matter what planet you're on, because those barkeeps are working hard for you alien folk.  And tip the band...they need extra money to pay for their giant hats."

When Cheese performs in front of his fans, he can't help but pay tribute to the saga on occasion, often reminding his audience to not take the dark side too seriously.  "Last year, we started playing the Imperial March theme in our live Las Vegas shows," Cheese says.  "But, instead of doing it in a serious way, we bounce it with a jazzy swing arrangement.  I think it's a metaphor for what happened to the evil Empire.  They were stiff and uptight, and the Rebellion loosened them up a bit.  That's a good example for all of us; whether you're a Sith Lord, an Ewok, or that way-too-skinny chick on Kamino (I prefer some meat on my clones), music is the one thing that everyone likes, no matter which side you're on.  Good music, especially lounge music, surrounds us, penetrates us, and binds the galaxy together.  And if your horn players have giant heads, all the better."

To find out more about Richard Cheese and his music, visit his official site


Check out this interview that Dick did back in the early 2000s about his first CD, "Lounge Against The Machine".


Conversation, Controversy, and Cocktails with Lounge Singer Richard Cheese

[interview reprinted from The Rancho Palms City Times-Dispatch, Sunday edition, September 8, 2000, page B-3]

Richard Cheese is a lounge singer; it says so right on his business card. For what seems like years, Cheese has been treating speakeasy audiences to his unique blend of belt and heartfelt, a journeyman saloonster's story told through imagery, phrasing, and a beat-up microphone. His snazzy jackets, his notoriously elegant "personalle," and his occasional on-stage tirades belie the sensitively complex artiste behind the ever-jostling highball. What did that sentence mean? To find out, we sent our correspondent, veteran Hollywood actor Robert Conrad to catch up with the crackerjack crooner, post-gig at local watering hole Trader Vic's, to talk about style, standards, and stardom.

ROBERT CONRAD: Hello, Richard, nice to meet you.

RICHARD CHEESE: Wow, T.R. Sloane! This is an honor! Was that guy with the hook in those 7-Up commercials?

RC: I haven't thought of Ji-Tu in years. Funny story, one time, we were shooting on location in Sherman Oaks, when--

RC: (to waitress) Waitress, can I get a champagne cocktail? Thank you.

RC: (to waitress) Make that two, hon. (winks)

RC: Slick, Bob. I think she likes you.

RC: Hey, I just noticed that we both have the initials RC.

RC: Yeah, this interview could get confusing.

RC: I don't even know which one of us just said that.

RC: Let me count backward, hang on.

RC: (taps fingers impatiently)

RC: It was said it.

(suddenly, Robert Culp enters)

ROBERT CULP: Hey! Bob, Richard, good to see you!

RC: I spy an Emmy-award-nominated actor!

RC: Join us, won't you?

RC: Naw, thanks, I'm meeting some friends for pu-pu.

(Rod Carew, Ry Cooder, and Richard Crenna enter)

RC: Hi, RC!

RC: Hi, RC!

RC: Hi, RC!

RC: Hi, RC!

RC: Hi.

RC: I'm interviewing Richard about his new album, "Lounge Against The Machine."

RC: Can I buy you guys a round of Tiki Puka Pukas?

RC: No, we have to run, Rae Dawn is waiting for us. Nice seeing you, fellas.

(they exit; the waitress delivers drinks)

RC: Thanks, baby.

RC: What can I say about the album? It's been a dream of mine to record some of the best songs of the contemporary era, what we call "alternative standards." Some of those kids really know how to write.

RC: Kids?

RC: Yeah, you know, The Offspring, The Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Rage Against The Machine, The Limp Bizkit.

RC: I had that once, but my doctor gave me some salve and it went away.

RC: These groups are on what they call "the cutting edge," out of the mainstream, pushing the envelope. But the messages they have, the feelings they express...these are some songs that need to be sung.

RC: What's your favorite track on the LP?

RC: I personally enjoyed "Guerilla Radio" the's got such lovely phrasing, the imagery is so startlingly prescient, and my arranger put it in a perfect key for me. On the line "Hold the reins," you can hear the molasses spilling from my tonsils.

RC: Sounds like my wedding night.

RC: I'm also pretty excited about the Nine Inch Nails cover, "Closer." What a love song! I mean, you have your Shakespeare, you have your Keats, and you have your Reznor. It's the poets who get the chicks.

RC: The music on that song is quite unusual...the piano in the middle sounds like Vince--

RC: Don't say it, we might get sued.

RC: Well, the whole organ part sounds like Sesame--

RC: No, seriously, zip it. The booths have ears.

(a waiter delivers a platter of appetizers)

RC: How do you feel about the profanity?

RC: In the songs or in general?

RC: You pick.

RC: Well, the songs were written a certain way by the songwriters, and, even if they might be a bit over the line, as the vocalist, it's not my job to change any lyrics. The song is sacred. Oh sure, I might throw in an ad-lib (or a mad-lib) every once in a while, but I carry a microphone, not a pen.

RC: You have a pen right there in your shirt pocket.

RC: That's a crumber.

RC: I was talking with Larry Hagman the other day, and he thought it was a bold statement for you to record a version of "Rape Me" by Nirvana. We all know you support women's causes, but this is a real hot-button issue, isn't it?

RC: You betcha. That's why I dedicated it "to the ladies." Sometimes, you have to sing a song because it's the right thing to do.

RC: Uh-huh.

RC: Hey, is that Ray Charles over there?

RC: Don't say anything, I owe him money. (hides behind menu) Can he see me?

RC: That wasn't in very good taste, now was it?

RC: Speaking of good taste, are you gonna eat that coco prawn?

RC: No, it's all yours.

RC: Next question?

RC: What about your cover of U2's "Bullet The Blue Sky"? It's such a politically-charged song, how do you think your fans will react to you in the role of "activiste"?

RC: I'm in Dublin in 1993, rehearsing for a walk-on duet during the Zoo-TV finale at the RMS stadium. Bono says to me, "Richard," he says, "we're thinking of singing B The B.S. acapella, what do you think?" And I say to him, I say, "Bono," I say, "Don't sing it--swing it." He didn't listen to me, and I lost my backstage pass someplace in the cafeteria, and the duet didn't shake out, but I took my own advice for our cover, and it turned out great. Bobby [Ricotta, Cheese's pianist] did some great musical references in the rap section, and he played the solo so well that it would push the Edge over the edge.

RC: Did you say something?

(Rosemary Clooney enters)

RC: Hello, doll!

ROSEMARY CLOONEY: Hi, Richard, thanks so much for inviting me to join you!

RC: Um, I'm not paying for her.

RC: Relax, black sheep, I'll cover the tab. Good to see you, toots.

RC: You, too, RC!

RC: Did you listen to the acetate I sent over?

RC: Yes, it's fabulous. I like what you did with the Sublime song ["Wrong Way"]. I almost cried, but that always happens when I hear you sing.

RC: Isn't that a gem of a tune? I think the guy who wrote it kicked, but he left behind just a wonderful acher, you know? We decided to tell the story with just a piano and my pipes, a real dark and quiet "Quarter To Three" feel. Buddy Gouda sat in to hit the gunshot snare, and if you listen carefully, you can hear Gordon [Brie, bass player] hand me the pack of Luckys.

RC: Isn't it spelled "Luckies"?

RC: You're drunk.

RC: I think your voice sounds best on "Smack My Bitch Up." So...decisive.

RC: Yeah, I got to introduce the boys in the band and still punch out some good notes at the tail, all while nursing a serious series of sips. I started with a Scotch Rocks during the piano solo, switched to a Vodka Tonic during the bass part, and by the time the drumming was done, I had finished two Seven & Sevens.

RC: (slurring) That's 28.

RC: Yes, Bob.

RC: And I'm so jealous that you covered "Last Resort" by Papa Roach. What a hep beat on that number, huh?

RC: Well, suicide and depression have been favorite subjects of mine for years. That's why we covered "Creep" by Radiohead--

RC: The big band was hot that night!

RC: --and the Garbage song.

RC: (she starts to sing) "I'm only happy when it rains...I'm only happy when the Night turns black..." I love how you did the Gene Kelly lilt on "Night," Richard. It gave me goosebumps.

RC: Sounds like my wedding night.

RC: Bob, why don't you go see if Barry Sonnenfeld wants you to do a cameo in something?

RC: Okay. Bye Rosemary, bye Ricky.


RC: Settle down, Richard, he didn't mean it.

RC: Is this one of those famous shouting incidents about to happen? Why are you so angry so all the time?

RC: Yeah, at the tail end of "Rockafeller Skank," you holler at Bobby just before the record ends. You couldn't keep that anger inside for just a few seconds longer?

RC: I'm not angry...I'm sad. And I cry in shouts.

RC: Whoa, that's deep.

RC & RC: Sounds like my wedding night! (all laugh together)

RC: Bob, you kill me!

RC: Now, Richard, seriously, why "Lounge Against The Machine"? Why Richard Cheese? Why?

RC: Well, the punks today, with their tattoos and their piercings and their tattoo-piercings, they're the angry ones. But we need to understand that anger. And we should be able to, because that anger is coming from the same place that it came from in Frank and Vic and Dean and Tony and Sammy. We all hurt, we're all lonesome, we're all, at some point in our lives, sitting in that bar at 3 in the morning, drowning in a--

RC: Waitress! Can I can get another drink I can?

RC: Slow down, will ya? You're not Jim West anymore.

RC: I am too!

RC: Tell you what, Bob... if you sober up, I'll have my people call "The West Wing" and see if they can cast you to play Rob Lowe's father!

RC: Hey! That's great! The West Wing? West? Get it? I know Martin Sheen, too! We once competed against each other in tug-a-war on "[Battle Of The] Network Stars." Thanks, Richard, you're the greatest!

RC: Just shut up and eat another beef cho-cho. So, anyway, Rosemary, as I was saying, I think all these songs speak to all of us, and the listener can identify with the lyrics, the music, the feeling, the everything.

RC: You know what song gets me?

RC: Which one, Bob?

RC: Nookie. Because I did it all for the nookie. (points to himself with cho-cho skewer) I did. A bunch of times. One time with Heather Thomas from "The Fall Guy." She was so hot! But I ended up like a chump, you know, like a sucker with a lump in my throat. That's my story, man!

(Chai, the maitre d' approaches)

CHAI: Excuse me, pardon me, Mr. Cheese, but, um, Mr. Conrad, we have to ask you to not stand on the table.

RC: He's sorry, Chai, it won't happen again.

(Bob sits back down)

RC: And Ms. Clooney, we saw you put the Fogcutter mug into your purse, it not souvenir. If you want to keep it, it cost you 18 dollars.

RC: Put it on my tab!

RC: Thanks, Richard!

CHAI: Thank you, Mr. Cheese.

(bows, exits)

RC: Listen, Bob, can we wrap this interview up? I have to catch a flight to Burbank.

RC: Before you go, tell us the story behind "Come Out And Play." On that song, you sound just a little too "at home" with the gang speak. What gives?

RC: Well...before I got into show business, I was in a tagging crew in the LBC.

RC: What was your sign?

RC: CHAKA-DAKA-DOO. Kind of a scat thing.

RC: Did you get caught?

RC: One time the LAPD dragged me in for possession of two keys of Krylon, but I sang a benefit show for [Los Angeles Mayor] Dick Riordan and didn't do any time. You know what song he likes most? "Suck My Kiss." Weird. But that was all a long time ago.

RC: And what about the Beastie Boys? I guess since you cover one of their songs ["Fight For Your Right"], it's obvious you guys patched up your spat.

RC: Mike D started that, it was never anything serious. Sometimes he just gets a little whack when he finds roach eggs in the fiddle faddle, you know?

RC: I'm gonna be sick.

RC: Yeah, someone should drive you home.

(Rita Coolidge walks by)

RC: Excuse me, miss?

RC: Yes? Hey, aren't you Richard Cheese? We met in Branson in 1994, remember?

RC: Sure, sure. I'd like to introduce you to veteran television and film actor Robert Conrad.

RC: Hello.

RC: My pleasure, m'lady. Can I trouble you for a ride home?

RC: No trouble at all....

RC: It was a pleasure chatting with you, Bob.

RC: Bye, Rosie, my best wishes to Batman.

(Bob exits on Rita's arm)

RC: Richard...I'm.....late.

RC: Check, please!

Richie Cunningham is a staff writer for the Jefferson High Sentinel. He also directed Apollo 13.

(with apologies to the recently departed Rosemary Clooney)


Did you read this page?  Email Dick, because he wants to know that this webpage isn't going to waste.